Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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