im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am one with the molecules
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
