Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
