DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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