Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
