my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
