so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
