Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
