The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
