just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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