i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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