I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
