if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
