so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
