i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel great
I just peed on a car
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
