Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
