the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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