I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
