I'm sorry my penis didn't work
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
