So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
