My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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