Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
