I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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