Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she smelled like a LAN party
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
