i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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