this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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