the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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