yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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