found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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