I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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