My hand turned me down
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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