Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
