I think I am morally bankrupt
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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