I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
