remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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