Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
