So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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