i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
