jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
