His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
