Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
