did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I FOUND THE LEGS
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
