LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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