When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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