I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
