I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
