dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
