my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
