I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
