what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
there is another microwave in the elevator.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
