$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
