bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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