I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
