New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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