I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
this is an emotional support booty call
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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