who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
