oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
