using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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