Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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