The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
